This post in months late since Fin was put down September 29. I didn't feel up to writing about it at the time and honestly forgot until now. I think putting Fin down was harder for me than Wren or Blue. I had more of a connection with her than either of them, though I love all of my rats to the moon and back. I wasn't present when Wren was put down. The vet we were going to at the time didn't allow people to be in there when their exotic pets are put to sleep (one of the reasons we changed vets). I was there when Blue was put down and I stayed with her the whole time but it didn't hurt as much as Fin's death. Fin was the sweetest rat I have ever had or met. She was confident and brave, adventurous and playful, sweet and heartbreakingly lovable. Whenever someone came into the room she would run up to me and ask to be held. She'd want to be in my hands even if I wasn't leaving the room, she just wanted to be with me and I always wanted to be with her.
Fin's death was the hardest to handle yet, it was also hard to decide when she should be put down. I think asking when is the hardest part of having pets. When is it the right time? When does their pain overrule their happiness? When do we have to let go? When are they ready to go? Looking back, I think I waited too long with Wren and Blue. I wasn't ready to let Wren go, she was the first rat I had to make that decision with and I didn't want to make it so I stalled until one night it suddenly hit me that I was being selfish, I was keeping her alive for me and me alone. She didn't enjoy her life at that point. She was skin and bones, didn't eat unless I hand fed her and even then it was a few bites. She could barely breathe at times because of her respiratory infection and I think she had a few seizures. Wren wasn't enjoying her life and I realized that I had to let her go, it was cruel to keep her with me even if it is because I love her. I knew that if I really did love her I had to end her misery. I waited too long for Blue for a different reason. Because of my experience with Wren, I was watching her every day and asking myself the horrible question that every person with an animal has to ask at somepoint, "
When? Today? Soon? Is she happy? Enjoying life? What would I want if I were her?" I decided that the answer had finally become
today when my grandparents were staying over for the weekend and my parents were away. I didn't want to have her put down with them there and everyone else gone. It would have made things too complicated and hard, so I told my mother the day they got back and the next day we took her in. She had gotten much worse over that weekend, though, so I do feel like I waited a bit too long to take her in. I feel like Blue knew her life was near the end and she was okay with that. She used to get herself into a box in the corner of the room every day even though she knew she couldn't get out. She'd lie there until I picked her up and fed her as much food and water as I could.
Fin didn't slow down and didn't give up. She developed a tumor on her neck and a few months later one on her lower stomach. The first tumor didn't impede her much, she actually liked using it as a pillow. The second, however, eventually grew to a size that it severely impacted her quality of life. It made it difficult for her to walk due to the size and placement of it and coupled with a touch of HLD she was having difficulty getting around the levels of the cage even with the ramps in. Despite her tumor, she was happy. She was the first out of the cage every night. She waddled after me when if I walked away and she'd ask to be held, the same as ever. She still opened my bamboo treat jar and got all hissy and possessive if Lark wanted to eat some. The tumor was getting bigger and taking her body's nutrition and fat. She gained weight but her ribs could be felt more every day. Still, she was happy. She loved being petted and would fight over a taste of baby food. The time came when the tumor outgrew its blood supply and became necrotic. Her skin became scabbed and turned black after a day or so. It smelled bad and if a scab fell of it revealed puss. She was still my sweet little girl. She wanted to be held and she wanted to explore, she got excited over treats and bruxed when I petted her but I knew that she was in pain and I couldn't be selfish. I would do anything for my rats and that includes hurting myself by letting them go when all I really want to do is hold them and never let them go. So Fin was put to sleep and buried in the backyard next to Blue.
I'll always miss her and the other rats I've lost but I realized recently that my memories of Phoebe and Wren are fading. I'm probably going to have dozens of rats in my lifetime and even more animals of other species and I don't want to ever forget a thing about the creatures who take a piece of my heart when they leave, so I've started making a list where I write down every one of their quirks, habits, likes, and dislikes. Below is Fin's. I am still adding to it as I think of think of her personality and quirks.
Loved nesting
Always wanted to be held
Could open the bamboo treat jar and often opened it so all the rats could snack and get fat on the oats inside
Liked her nest as soft and cozy as possible
Was always sweet and loving no matter how she felt physically
Never once gave up or didn't want to be held
Loved exploring
Fascinated with ears
So much braver than her sister, Blue - trusted me within three days of having her
Thought Theo was her friend - she'd run around the cage when he was outside and always tried to get as close as possible
Fought with Lark when she first met her - took them a while before they were BFFs
Trouble when introduced with Fennec - he wanted to be the boss and she, old and weak as she was, wasn't going to let him
Loved the taste of ibuprofen
Had a big sweet tooth
Didn't see the point of shoulder riding - she always wanted to be in my hands when exploring.
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